When we were younger, gender was taught to us fairly simply. “You were born either a boy or a girl,” our teachers and parents said. Even now, if asked what it means to be male or female, most people would say something like, “it depends on your body” or “it is what you were assigned at birth.” However, in reality, gender is way deeper and more complex than that. One’s gender identity and biological sex are two separate things that do not have anything to do with each other. Although they do align most of the time, it is not necessarily a given. One’s gender might be opposite from the one they were assigned at birth or might not fit into the male-female binary at all. The people who identify with the latter are broadly referred to as non-binary people. It must be noted, however, that non-binary is not the third gender: it is an umbrella term, and non-binary people might choose to label themselves as any other gender outside the binary such as genderfluid, agender, etc.
If someone you have known your whole life as male or female comes out to you as non-binary, chances are you are going to be shocked and confused. Because, more often than not, non-binary people choose not to come out for fear of unaccepting peers or threats to safety, you need to act appropriately when someone does come out to you. Being non-binary is a very scary truth to reveal in a society like ours. You must lay your confusion and feelings aside and support your loved one.
The first ground rule to keep in mind while interacting with non-binary people is to respect pronouns. A lot of the time, someone coming out as non-binary is accompanied by a change of, or addition to, pronouns. Some non-binary people might go by they/them pronouns. Some might go by she/her or him/him or xe/xem, etc. Some might go by multiple sets of pronouns. In any case, it is important to respect their pronouns. And be open to being corrected. You might mess up pronouns or use the wrong terms at first, but it is important not to get defensive or self-pitying when corrected. The only thing that saying things like, “You know I didn’t mean it,” or “It’s just so hard to remember” does is make the other person feel like a burden. Accept your mistake, correct yourself, and move on.
If someone says that they go by more than one set of pronouns, it is important to remember that “more than one” does not mean “pick one”. For example, if someone you have always referred to with she/her pronouns says they now go by both she/her and they/them pronouns, it does not mean that nothing has changed. Of course, she is still okay with being referred to as “she”, but the other set of pronouns is there for a reason. Everybody’s relationship with their pronouns is different, so ask about the specific person’s preferences, and use their pronouns accordingly. There is no harm, but a world of good, in asking.
When someone comes out as non-binary, do not comment such as, “You don’t look non-binary.” Although it should go without saying, there is no way to look non-binary just as there is no way to look like a male or a female. Hair, clothing, accessories, and posture do not determine one’s gender and are not restricted by it either. Some non-binary people might prefer to have long hair and wear dresses, and some might prefer to cut their hair short and wear only pants and a t-shirt. Neither of these choices makes their gender identity any less worthy of respect.
If, after coming out, the person decides to change their name, you must respect that change. Never refer to them with the name they changed (aka the dead name), only refer to them with the name they choose. The dead name is dead for a reason. It is extremely disrespectful to use it after being asked not to. Additionally, if you meet someone who goes by a changed name, do not ask what their “real name” is or what their name used to be. Their real name is the one they have chosen. Knowing someone’s birth name does not affect you at all but saying it might affect the other person. So just don’t ask.
Above everything else, listen to the other person. If they tell you that something makes them uncomfortable, remember not to do it again. If they ask you to call them by their dead name or wrong pronouns in front of their parents, do as asked. A person’s identity is a deeply personal thing. The fact that they chose to come out to you is a sign of trust. That trust mustn’t be betrayed.
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